14 Weeks

I know I'm absent. There is always so much to say, and I often blog in my head. I would love to make it here more often, it just doesn't happen. Life is busy. There is school, which I actually feel like I'm doing and loving our routine finally. We're getting ready to sell our house and build again. I've put immense pressure on myself to get this house perfect, and then realized my motives were wrong, repented, and have since fell into the same trap of lies, bbaaahh! Silly me.

I was 14 weeks exactly to the day when we lost Caleb. It was such a heart breaking shock. Now I have new life in me once again (yay!), and in 4 days I will be 14 weeks pregnant. Again. I hope. I have to admit that I'm just nervous and not trusting my body like I used to. Even after the 14 week point I'm just feeling hopeful in a way I didn't feel I needed to hope before. Does that make sense? I just took it for granted that my body would produce beautiful offspring. Every two years. Ha! Now my body failed me, my Caleb is not one month old, and my two year spacing between children is totally whacked (which is something else I should post about soon, giving up control of the pretty two year spacing, 3 or 4 child family)

While rushing through the grocery store today I walked past a cart with a tiny baby boy in it. About one month tiny, and SO cute. It felt like a gut punch, it was just such a fast glimpse as I walked by, and now that image remains with me. The image of what's missing in our lives. I don't think about him all the time, but there are those reminders once in awhile.

I could share more but must run! I'm totally cheating on a media fast by being here. I'm also working on a special project with a deadline right now, gotta jet!

This Ache Persists

I sometimes "write" a blog post in my head. As you may have noticed they don't often make it from my head to here. I don't fully "get" blogging yet. Who the heck are we all writing for? When I blog there's no way I say everything I would if it was a private journal. Trust me I totally just deleted a couple sketchy, yet funny, sentences. The most entertaining blogs I've read have been strangers who I felt were being totally honest. Who knows, maybe they weren't. No one reads my blog anymore, so I really have to write for me. And yet those deleted sentences.... Oh bother.

Well here I am, but I just wanted to talk about a really sweet picture my daughter drew on the Magna-Doodle today. It's over there in my instagram shots. Its a family photo. Our whole family. She drew Caleb in a blanket in my arms. It really made me smile, how sweet and thoughtful of her. But once they were all tucked into bed and I looked at that picture that old familiar ache crept back up. My due date with Caleb approaches. How I wish that this house was getting ready for his arrival. How I wish for achy hips and back. How I crave those kicks and wiggles from within. Sometimes the sadness just hits. Tonight is one of those times.

I do have to say I've learned a ton though this experience. I've also been thankful for some pretty amazing friends. Sometimes people are just awesome aren't they? I am blessed. My times with God lately have been especially sweet. Oh it's just so friggin amazing to see him change this wretched heart of mine! Words just can't explain what it's like to really experience the love and grace of Christ and my precious Father.

Well I feel encouraged and lifted, and now I have this post to look back on and take me back to this time in my life. I guess that's part of what blogging is about for me.

Sad Things Today

Depressing title I know. Here's my list of sad things:

- We are organizing the garage because it's supposed to snow, and it's just the beginning of a long cold winter:-( (Thankful I can park in the garage though!)

- While organizing the garage the infant car seat was pushed to the back of the shelf, won't be needing that.

- I've been reading the Little House on the Prairie Books, which makes me feel lazy and in-adequate. Laura was 15 and she wouldn't have to spell check "in-adequate", she was amazing! Not to mention "Ma" and all she did in a day. I know it's totally silly of me to compare, but still. It's just how I'm feeling.

- Micah is offically just huge and not a baby anymore. This fact didn't bother me before when I was waiting for another baby. Now it's painfully obvious that this house is without a baby for the first time in more than 6 years.

Ok, I'm done being sad. My house smells amazing from supper cooking, and my family is snug and happy under this roof. I can trust my Heavenly Father and rest in His mighty love.

This post is weird and I don't really like it, I'll still post it though. Thanks for listening.

So many things are on my mind I can't choose just one to blog about tonight. So I'll do a list because I'm a lover of lists.

1. Africa and sweet little toes that I got to paint purple while I was there. I was scanning through some instagram photos today when a friends picture just hit me out of no where. It was a sweet little black foot with pink painted toes. It reminded me of the three girls at the drop in center who I still pray and hope for

2. Abortion. A word that makes me squeemish for so many reasons. I hate HATE conflict. I'm a people pleaser. I'm working on it because it's so not healthy. I hate controversy and I don't feel smart enough to debate issues, especially not abortion. All things that I'm submitting to Jesus. I'm asking God to soften my heart and I'm willing to be used by Him in the area. I'm squeemish about it for the obvious reason too. Just the thought of what they are doing to that sweet babe and our country's stand on the topic. Disgusting! However in saying all that, the whole thing, for me anyways, is about love and compassion. Love not only for the baby, but for the mother. It's a big decision and no matter what she thinks there will be emotional healing that needs to happen. And compassion for the mother because we are all broken and need fixed. Where is the root of this mentality that "Women should have a right to their own bodies." I just texted this to a friend and I'll share it with you: "I think we as a society are so busy taking care of our rights, feeling entitled, and not feeling supported that we forget about responsibility. What about our responsibility as a mother to that unborn babe who doesn't have a voice?" I would add something about families, the importance for good ties between us and our parents, and the lack of that in so many these days. I don't know how to word it all yet, so just never mind about that part yet.

3. Big families. I love big families and have always been intrigued by them. I wonder if I'll be the mamma of a big family one day. When I was in Calgary this summer and shared our happpy news of expecting our fourth with some girls I met they were amazed, thought I was crazy, but also had a healthy respect for me. It struck me as odd. I guess I live in a place where it's normal accepted to have more kids than just the one or two. My how different I am than the girl I would have been had the planning been left to me and we had stayed in Calgary all these years. How thankful I am that God has a much much better plan. Back to the subject. Big families (we're talking 6 or more children) seem warm, fun, centered, and so many other things to me. This subject ties into another one on my mind

4. Control. Birth Control. Don't worry I'm not going to get all gross on you here. I'm a control freak and like to plan things. Check this out: Married '04, first child '06, second child '08, third child '10. Mini van, house in cul-de-sac, holidays, craft times, cute hair cut, check. Check. Check. The image is all down pat and good. Right? HA! It drives me crazy when I hear that people think I have it all together, and yet how can I blame them. That's what I've worked so hard for isn't it? Oh God make me humble! I would say to those people that they are SO wrong for thinking I have it all made. God is working on my heart. Breaking down the barriers. It feels SOOOO good to let Him in. To let Jesus wash it all away. Sorry, this is so not about birth control anymore, how did I do that!? See, I should really not be allowed to blog at night! I'll just say that I am finally willing and excited to give God my whole heart and life, even this area of controlling when and how many children we have. It's hard for me to feel emotionally ready to "try again" ( I hate that term. Like Caleb was a fail and we'll just try again), but I know in my head I need to lay it down and let God work. Let go and let God.

I've learned a lot this year. About me and about God. I'm submitting to Him, going to Him, being changed by Him. I'm stoked to meet with Jesus these days, to talk with him and hear from him.

I know God is working in intricate ways in my life in this area of giving up control to Him when it comes to our future children. I shouldn't be fearful that I'll have 10 more kids, drive a "Morman van", never travel, be broke, be judged. SEE! When I write it all out I know it's totally ridiculous and those with big families totally just laughed at me. It's good that they would laugh because they know how silly I'm being too. Of course life isn't always easy when you have many children to love, guide, and care for. But is it all worth it in the end? I hope I can someday answer that truthfully with a: HECK YEAH!

The Weight of a Child

The weight of a child in my lap as we swing.
It's so sweet to hold you here my little golden one.
Yet it reminds me so of the child I hold in my heart,
the one that will only be in my heart.

When I look at your sweet face I also see the one who will never be.
And I wonder.
I wonder if he would have been like you, only wanting Mommies lap when it came to the swings.
I wonder why he left so soon,
why my body is empty.
I wonder what that little one would have been like in my arms.

He would have been warm, and small, and sweet like you were little golden one.
My special boy.
He would have had that smell.
That sweet newborn smell.

He left so soon, he left me empty.
Now my heart aches as I can only look forward to empty arms.
Empty arms, a dream, a hope, a memory.

I hope and dream of holding Joy.
Still savoring the memory,
Still healing from the ache.
But the weight of a child once more.

Hibbidy-jibbidy. That's what's going on.

Look what I found on Pinterest today.

I honestly didn't know if I should file it onto my "funny stuff" board, or my "home organization" board. I mean do people actually do this? I mean real people, with kids, who have to cook and stuff. Seriously, if I tried to do this my kids would hate me by the end of the day, no one would eat. All day. I would collapse. I would call my husband in a hysterically sobbing mess on the floor. I mean, I call him hysterical on a good day, never mind trying to clean the entire house in one day. The image of it is hilarious. But also not, because it's a little bit too real to be funny.

The fly lady approach works MUCH better for me. Basically it's just cleaning up as you go. C-A-Y-G. I can still hear my mom saying that as I cook. Fly lady also has "zones" that you work on each week. I like to think my house stays pretty tidy usually, and once in awhile I give it a concentrated afternoon of scrubbing and call it good. That's reality for me. Usually. But lately it's been different.

Everything's different lately.


The whole reason for this post is to vent a little and give you all a dose of my real life.

Things I'm doing lately:
-Trying to educate my two oldest children.
-Trying to get a business off the ground, ok it's not that big of a business, but it's still something.
-Meal planning. Which is hard because I make everything so difficult by not doing things ahead of time, duh!
-Still getting the garden in and dealt with
-Keeping the house as tidy as humanly and realistically possible all things considered.
-Maintaining some important relationships, mainly my amazing husband
-Majorly cutting back on spending

This post was originally super long. I just wanted to vent about how tired and stressed I am/was trying to keep the basic things going in this household. It's funny the feedback you get when you vent isn't it? Some well meaning people will give you advice and solutions. That doesn't make me feel better, in fact quite the contrary. I just want you to pat my back and tell me I'm doing a good job!

But now I'm going to talk about missing Caleb. Yes again. Yes still. It's been more than a month since we had to say goodbye to our sweet babe. Hard for me to believe it's been that long. The pain has washed over me in a new way this week. It's been a really really hard week. Lots of tears. I try to keep myself really distracted, and so I've thrown myself into some sewing projects. It's nice to get stuff done, but I should know myself better by now.

I need to just let myself be held and comforted by the One that can offer me true freedom. It's so sweet meeting with Him. Jesus my saviour, lover of my soul. I've been so up and down and everywhere this week. Yet he is my constant. He offers me peace and rest.

This post is so scattered. I guess it's appropriate. If only you knew how scattered my head is these days. I can't begin to describe it, so instead I'll get some sleep.

Intro to my Children

Well the school season is upon us once again. June Bug is in grade one this year, the Monkey is in pre-kindergarten, which is just a pity thing I made up for him to make him feel cool. And Meatball is officially two years old as of yesterday. Wow! This is a good time to introduce my kids in case anyone other than my mom reads my blog someday. Here's hoping.

My nicknames for my kids just kind of happened after they were born. I appreciate people using initials for their kids, but I'm going to use their weird nicknames instead. We don't even use them on a day to day basis, but they work well for this space.

First up!

June Bug: She is 6 and simply lovely. Seriously, she's just amazing. She loves her little brothers and is usually super sweet to them. She's also very reliable around the house, not only to do her chores (when reminded), but also for little errands here and there.

June Bug loves adventures, princesses, stories, and anything artsy. She loves being outside even when it's -20 C, and she doesn't care at all about anyone else's standards on fashion. She has an amazing imagination and is usually very cheery. When she's grumpy though, watch out! She gets in dark moods, and says strangely contemplative things for a six year old.


And in her shadow but still able to run and ride faster is......

Monkey: Who just recently asked me how old he was. I was a little confused that he would forget, but then he explained that even though he's four and not five he just knew he felt bigger. So he's officially four AND A HALF.

He's always been freakishly agile. I say freakishly, but not because I'm always cringing while he's skate boarding or climbing. I say freakish because he's always known his limits and he just won't do things he knows he can't do. He's always been able to do A LOT though.

Even though he runs, rides, and climbs he's still my sensitive cuddly little guy. He's the quiet type and still takes awhile to get out what he's trying to say.

I love watching him explore his little world. He's getting comfortable with the "big" neighbourhood boys, following them everywhere and keeping up pretty well of course. When it comes to "pre-kindergarten" and chores I have to get pretty creative with how I word things and tread lightly. I can't ask him to do anything or thank him for doing anything, he'll get mad. Instead it's "Monkey, the dishwasher needs emptied and it's your turn." and then "Sweet, the dishwasher is empty, what are you up to now." I can't get all mushy on him and say "great job" or anything, he's interesting. I haven't quite deciphered him yet.

Oh, he's also a vegetarian....... sooooooo opposite of everyone else in the house. The last piece of meat he ate was when he was 2 1/2, it was a bite of hamburger. Even at that point I remember being a little shocked that he ate it. I make lots of broth, you know, the real kind, from bones. So I guess I should say, he thinks he's a vegetarian, mwuuaaaahaaa haaaa.

Right at his heels is........

Meatball. He just turned two, although we've been referring to him as "the two year old" for months now. He's thick and chunky and delicious, like a good salsa. The Meatball is usually chasing after his siblings, tearing the kitchen or garage apart, or napping (thank goodness!). I love having two boys and seeing how completely different we can make two of the same gender. They are both active, but Meatball is like a tank. He just tumbles into the scene without much thought to what he's doing. He's an entertainer and thrives on the attention. The only time he really slows down is when the tinker toys are out. He's great at putting those little things together. Oh, he also naps still - insert heavenly music here -. I make him sound like a crazy kid, which he's totally not. He's just really active and big.

I'd also like to include Caleb here, our wee babe who's in heaven waiting for us all to get our butts up there so we can finally meet him. I can't wait! He was only 14 weeks in my womb before we had to say goodbye. I miss having him growing there. I would be 17 weeks along now and feeling his sweet little kicks. Instead I'm sleeping on my tummy, wearing my favorite jeans, and crying when I least expect it. It's already easier than the first couple weeks, but in a different way. It's like the loss settled deeper inside me. I'm dreading February and all it's emptiness, and praying we have another member of the family someday (not that it replaces him in anyway of course).

This post became something very different than the post I thought I was writing about educating at home, things I do in the fall, or different talents people around me are blessed with. Those were my thoughts when I first sat down here. My brain is weird at night. Next time I'll try this in the morning.

Because a persons a person, no matter how small.

I don't have much to say today, the fog in my brain won't let me get out what is really rattling around up there. I have been craving God's word, and yet not really seeking it. I've been lazy. Today I was reading other peoples stories of their early pregnancy loss and these verses came up from Psalms

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I marvel at those verses, especially in relation to our little Caleb. I marveled over those verses while Caleb was still growing in me, and I can still marvel at them. God isn't knitting him together in my womb anymore, but he's cuddling with him in a very real place. I think about this picture of Jesus.

If you don't know about this picture google either "Heaven is For Real", or "Akiane Kramarik" it's just a phenomenal story. It is also extremely comforting to me right now.

We are blessed with three living children. I love them SO much and always have. However having a child in heaven has changed my perspective. I appreciate holding my kids in a different way. I love seeing their facial features and knowing what their little sounds and grimaces mean. I love knowing every little thing about them. My perspective on future children has also changed. God told us (somewhere in the bible) that children are a blessing from the Lord. At this point in my life I want more kids. I feel a little obsessed. I feel like I constantly want a baby in our house. Who knows how this will change over the years.

When you lose a child or pregnancy people always think you might resent other people who haven't had a loss. I haven't resented anyone around me who is still pregnant or has a new born. However I get frustrated when people take what they have for granted. I'm sure I was there at some point in my life too so I'm not pointing fingers. God has really been convicting me in the past year about my need to control the size of our family. It's always a good thing to give up control and to trust him. I don't really know where I'm going with this.

You know how "they" always say there are different stages to grief? I wonder if there is a resentment stage. I don't feel resentful over the situation, but towards people not trying to understand what I'm going through. I try to be graceful when people stumble over their words to me, because I certainly have been there before. It's hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving. Just let me know that you're sorry for my loss, and then don't forget about me. It's only been two weeks and two days. There is no timeline for something like this. I'm still processing stuff and new waves of grief are hitting all the time. My due date is sure to be a sad time. Oh, and also don't think that if we get pregnant again I'll be all better, not true!
Sorry that I'm just venting. If you're reading this then you probably care and have in no way offended me. I'm venting about people that don't care to even read this so I don't know what the point of writing it is. I guess just to get it out. I should really get some sleep and gain some perspective so I don't have to keep being grumpy on my poor loyal blog.

Good Grief

Matthew and I were expecting another baby. Never again will I use that term "expecting". Our baby died when I was only 14 weeks pregnant, it was such a tragedy to us. I sure didn't expect that. If we are ever blessed with another pregnancy I will hope for another healthy baby.

Miscarriage. The word never bothered me before. Now I hate it. I hate the connotations I feel the word carries. I especially hate the word when it's paired with "just" in a sentence. It may be "just" a miscarriage, but to us our baby just died.

You can't quantify grief. You can't say that someone who had a stillbirth, or who's child died is having a harder or easier time. I know my situation is a lot different than other people, but it's still my life and my loss. I'll grieve, cry, mourn, vent, and I'll take my sweet time at it if I so please.

There has been a lot of elements of sadness to this loss. One of them is feeling like I should get over it and wondering if people think I'm over it just because I can function. It's just a miscarriage after all right? I hate that I'm letting that part of it bother me so much. I always care too much what other people think, and here I am allowing it to add to my grief.

Mostly though I'm just sad at what really happened. We were going to have a baby, and now we're not. He died and I don't know why. I went through childbirth but I wasn't ready, my house shows no signs of it. And most of all we have no baby to show for it. My body and my arms are empty. It was our fourth pregnancy. Things change the fourth time around. I didn't take the cute pictures of my belly growing every month. I didn't ever get to hear the heart beat. I went to my first ultrasound but I went to make sure everything had "passed" out of me to prevent infection. I went to my ultrasound to make sure the baby wasn't there. It was so backwards, so wrong.

God gave us the gift of this child, and he's taking care of him for us now. He gave us another gift, a name. When I was about 8 weeks pregnant God gave me the name Caleb for this child. So even though we don't actually know if it was a boy, I still treasure that name. I had already started thinking of the baby as Caleb before he died. I had already wondered which of his two brothers he would look like. I had already started prepping the big sis that she might be blessed with a brother, because I knew how badly she wanted another girl in the family.

It's been quite the year of learning for me. I'm learning and growing and realizing that the whole point of this messy life has very little to do with me and my wants and my agenda. It has a lot to do with my mighty creator who is still shaping me and teaching me. It has a lot to do with how much that mighty creator loves me and cares about me. I know that he is sad for me right now. I don't really know how to pray through this grief, but I take huge comfort knowing how much God cares.

I realize this post is really choppy, sorry about that. I really wanted to get some of these thoughts out. Early pregnancy loss often goes un-noticed. I'm amazed at how many people have either told me for the first time that they had a pregnancy loss, or told me the story of their baby loss for the first time. I feel like I need permission to grieve, and part of that is because the people that have walked this road before me just got up and kept going and made it look like no big deal. So here I am admitting that it is a big deal. It's been two weeks and I cry all the time, and ache because of my emptiness.

There is a book called Tear Soup that explains grieving pretty well. I read it last year when Eva died. I'm not saying that I've been the perfect supportive friend to Anella, but reading up on the topic definitely makes it easier to know what to say, what not to say, and just a glimpse at what grief might look like for someone. I'm blessed with my hubbie who is so understanding and supportive. I also get the benefit of a friend well seasoned in making tear soup, who is willing to share in my batch even though it tastes different. Most of all I lean on God and his word and his truth. It's the only thing that matters.