The Weight of a Child

The weight of a child in my lap as we swing.
It's so sweet to hold you here my little golden one.
Yet it reminds me so of the child I hold in my heart,
the one that will only be in my heart.

When I look at your sweet face I also see the one who will never be.
And I wonder.
I wonder if he would have been like you, only wanting Mommies lap when it came to the swings.
I wonder why he left so soon,
why my body is empty.
I wonder what that little one would have been like in my arms.

He would have been warm, and small, and sweet like you were little golden one.
My special boy.
He would have had that smell.
That sweet newborn smell.

He left so soon, he left me empty.
Now my heart aches as I can only look forward to empty arms.
Empty arms, a dream, a hope, a memory.

I hope and dream of holding Joy.
Still savoring the memory,
Still healing from the ache.
But the weight of a child once more.