So many things are on my mind I can't choose just one to blog about tonight. So I'll do a list because I'm a lover of lists.

1. Africa and sweet little toes that I got to paint purple while I was there. I was scanning through some instagram photos today when a friends picture just hit me out of no where. It was a sweet little black foot with pink painted toes. It reminded me of the three girls at the drop in center who I still pray and hope for

2. Abortion. A word that makes me squeemish for so many reasons. I hate HATE conflict. I'm a people pleaser. I'm working on it because it's so not healthy. I hate controversy and I don't feel smart enough to debate issues, especially not abortion. All things that I'm submitting to Jesus. I'm asking God to soften my heart and I'm willing to be used by Him in the area. I'm squeemish about it for the obvious reason too. Just the thought of what they are doing to that sweet babe and our country's stand on the topic. Disgusting! However in saying all that, the whole thing, for me anyways, is about love and compassion. Love not only for the baby, but for the mother. It's a big decision and no matter what she thinks there will be emotional healing that needs to happen. And compassion for the mother because we are all broken and need fixed. Where is the root of this mentality that "Women should have a right to their own bodies." I just texted this to a friend and I'll share it with you: "I think we as a society are so busy taking care of our rights, feeling entitled, and not feeling supported that we forget about responsibility. What about our responsibility as a mother to that unborn babe who doesn't have a voice?" I would add something about families, the importance for good ties between us and our parents, and the lack of that in so many these days. I don't know how to word it all yet, so just never mind about that part yet.

3. Big families. I love big families and have always been intrigued by them. I wonder if I'll be the mamma of a big family one day. When I was in Calgary this summer and shared our happpy news of expecting our fourth with some girls I met they were amazed, thought I was crazy, but also had a healthy respect for me. It struck me as odd. I guess I live in a place where it's normal accepted to have more kids than just the one or two. My how different I am than the girl I would have been had the planning been left to me and we had stayed in Calgary all these years. How thankful I am that God has a much much better plan. Back to the subject. Big families (we're talking 6 or more children) seem warm, fun, centered, and so many other things to me. This subject ties into another one on my mind

4. Control. Birth Control. Don't worry I'm not going to get all gross on you here. I'm a control freak and like to plan things. Check this out: Married '04, first child '06, second child '08, third child '10. Mini van, house in cul-de-sac, holidays, craft times, cute hair cut, check. Check. Check. The image is all down pat and good. Right? HA! It drives me crazy when I hear that people think I have it all together, and yet how can I blame them. That's what I've worked so hard for isn't it? Oh God make me humble! I would say to those people that they are SO wrong for thinking I have it all made. God is working on my heart. Breaking down the barriers. It feels SOOOO good to let Him in. To let Jesus wash it all away. Sorry, this is so not about birth control anymore, how did I do that!? See, I should really not be allowed to blog at night! I'll just say that I am finally willing and excited to give God my whole heart and life, even this area of controlling when and how many children we have. It's hard for me to feel emotionally ready to "try again" ( I hate that term. Like Caleb was a fail and we'll just try again), but I know in my head I need to lay it down and let God work. Let go and let God.

I've learned a lot this year. About me and about God. I'm submitting to Him, going to Him, being changed by Him. I'm stoked to meet with Jesus these days, to talk with him and hear from him.

I know God is working in intricate ways in my life in this area of giving up control to Him when it comes to our future children. I shouldn't be fearful that I'll have 10 more kids, drive a "Morman van", never travel, be broke, be judged. SEE! When I write it all out I know it's totally ridiculous and those with big families totally just laughed at me. It's good that they would laugh because they know how silly I'm being too. Of course life isn't always easy when you have many children to love, guide, and care for. But is it all worth it in the end? I hope I can someday answer that truthfully with a: HECK YEAH!

Broken Promises

April 2! That's almost FOUR MONTHS of non blogging! Poor lonely little blog, so cold and all alone! Well, I'm here now, but I can't promise I'll be back soon. It seems like every time I promise to be a faithful writer I break my promise.
Where do I start to catch you all up on the last four months? My to do list, sadly, isn't much different. It has grown a lot, that's the only difference. Gardening is the newest and greatest stuff that has happened. What a depressing spring of weather we had. At one point I was ready to rip the garden out and move to B.C. !!!! A true Alberta girl ready to betray her province! That must mean it was truly horrible. And it was. Windy, cold, dry, just terrible. I'm really tired of starting my garden from scratch every year. I've never got to build it up nicely because I'm starting in a new yard every year. We've been getting hot days lately and everything is looking very happy out there now. I have fallen in love with Alberta once again this month. All it took was a lovely drive home from the farm one day. Just me in the truck with the windows down, the country music blaring, at that glowy time of evening. Fresh hay bales out spreading their sweet perfume, bright canola fields swaying in the slight breeze. Glorious. It made me wonder why I wanted to move to the dessert, all cloudy and depressing in the winter. Boo B.C. Boo! (although I'm super excited for a B.C. trip in the fall to buy some apples and see very dear and wonderful friends and family)
Other new things going on? I'm pretty obsessed with a cook book I've had for awhile called Nourishing Traditions. It's a new way of cooking (for me) that takes some getting used to, and a lot of thinking ahead. She soaks all her flours and grains for baking, ferments milk and veggies, sprouts nuts and seeds before eating. It's much more than just a cook book. She goes into SOO many things about healthy and nutrition, I love it. It's my fav. So I've been cooking a lot, and getting healthy. Oh and I grew wheat grass! It's nasty stuff! But apparently really good for energy. Another thing we've been taking is called Youth Juice. I'm really loving it and noticing a difference in my energy, and in how well I sleep. People are saying it's been helping with digestion, injuries, sicknesses, diabetes, etc. etc. It's 7 berries (all grown in the lovely B.C. wink wink) and 3 sea weeds from the Canadian Pacific. I really like that it's "local" ish. I also like that it makes a difference. It's loaded with anti oxidants. Oh and it's yummy. Ok, you get the point, I'm excited!
The kids are doing great. the Monkey is at my favorite age ever, just the best! He's 16 months now, still baby, but a bit of kid too. He's a lazy little talker, I wouldn't even give him the credit of saying he had a vocabulary at all. He says "hi" and "dad". Yup, that's it! What he lacks in vocab he makes up for in physical activity. I'm just shocked at what a nut he is. Just go go go, no stop, all the time! I'm also shocked that we haven't been to the hospital with him yet, ever! Although I do have poison control, the doctor, and health link on speed dial. Yeesh. He's such a cutie though. And Munchkin's doing great too. Still a little too smart for her own good. She has such an amazing imagination. I catch myself sneeking in to just watch her play by herself. It's amazing what this girl comes up with. I need to write down more of her stuff, she's clever.
Well that's all the fun and wonderful stuff that we've been up to, guess it's time for the bad stuff now? It's been a really rough year for me. The worst year of my life so far actually. My parents split up this year, after 30 years of marriage! In a way it's like mourning a death, the death of a marriage I guess. I'm still sad a lot, and trying to move on and readjust. The other totally shitty thing is that my Grandma just passed away. Excuse my language, but that's how it feels. It still feels like a big shock, even though it was more than a month ago. I miss her so much. She was a truly great Grandma, and I'm super thankful for the memories and the time spent with her. I'm also thankful that she didn't have to suffer for long, and that she is at the feet of God, more blissfully happy than we could ever imagine. It just sucks being stuck here feeling weighed down at times by the pain in this world. I've been hearing about a lot of people I went to school with who are splitting up. I just don't understand! I feel really sad about things like this right now. Sorry to sound depressing.
But it's much to sunny a day to waste blubbering away in here! Sure we can feel sad and weighed down, but life goes on eventually, little by little. There is so much to be happy about, and to keep one going.