Because a persons a person, no matter how small.

I don't have much to say today, the fog in my brain won't let me get out what is really rattling around up there. I have been craving God's word, and yet not really seeking it. I've been lazy. Today I was reading other peoples stories of their early pregnancy loss and these verses came up from Psalms

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I marvel at those verses, especially in relation to our little Caleb. I marveled over those verses while Caleb was still growing in me, and I can still marvel at them. God isn't knitting him together in my womb anymore, but he's cuddling with him in a very real place. I think about this picture of Jesus.

If you don't know about this picture google either "Heaven is For Real", or "Akiane Kramarik" it's just a phenomenal story. It is also extremely comforting to me right now.

We are blessed with three living children. I love them SO much and always have. However having a child in heaven has changed my perspective. I appreciate holding my kids in a different way. I love seeing their facial features and knowing what their little sounds and grimaces mean. I love knowing every little thing about them. My perspective on future children has also changed. God told us (somewhere in the bible) that children are a blessing from the Lord. At this point in my life I want more kids. I feel a little obsessed. I feel like I constantly want a baby in our house. Who knows how this will change over the years.

When you lose a child or pregnancy people always think you might resent other people who haven't had a loss. I haven't resented anyone around me who is still pregnant or has a new born. However I get frustrated when people take what they have for granted. I'm sure I was there at some point in my life too so I'm not pointing fingers. God has really been convicting me in the past year about my need to control the size of our family. It's always a good thing to give up control and to trust him. I don't really know where I'm going with this.

You know how "they" always say there are different stages to grief? I wonder if there is a resentment stage. I don't feel resentful over the situation, but towards people not trying to understand what I'm going through. I try to be graceful when people stumble over their words to me, because I certainly have been there before. It's hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving. Just let me know that you're sorry for my loss, and then don't forget about me. It's only been two weeks and two days. There is no timeline for something like this. I'm still processing stuff and new waves of grief are hitting all the time. My due date is sure to be a sad time. Oh, and also don't think that if we get pregnant again I'll be all better, not true!
Sorry that I'm just venting. If you're reading this then you probably care and have in no way offended me. I'm venting about people that don't care to even read this so I don't know what the point of writing it is. I guess just to get it out. I should really get some sleep and gain some perspective so I don't have to keep being grumpy on my poor loyal blog.