14 Weeks

I know I'm absent. There is always so much to say, and I often blog in my head. I would love to make it here more often, it just doesn't happen. Life is busy. There is school, which I actually feel like I'm doing and loving our routine finally. We're getting ready to sell our house and build again. I've put immense pressure on myself to get this house perfect, and then realized my motives were wrong, repented, and have since fell into the same trap of lies, bbaaahh! Silly me.

I was 14 weeks exactly to the day when we lost Caleb. It was such a heart breaking shock. Now I have new life in me once again (yay!), and in 4 days I will be 14 weeks pregnant. Again. I hope. I have to admit that I'm just nervous and not trusting my body like I used to. Even after the 14 week point I'm just feeling hopeful in a way I didn't feel I needed to hope before. Does that make sense? I just took it for granted that my body would produce beautiful offspring. Every two years. Ha! Now my body failed me, my Caleb is not one month old, and my two year spacing between children is totally whacked (which is something else I should post about soon, giving up control of the pretty two year spacing, 3 or 4 child family)

While rushing through the grocery store today I walked past a cart with a tiny baby boy in it. About one month tiny, and SO cute. It felt like a gut punch, it was just such a fast glimpse as I walked by, and now that image remains with me. The image of what's missing in our lives. I don't think about him all the time, but there are those reminders once in awhile.

I could share more but must run! I'm totally cheating on a media fast by being here. I'm also working on a special project with a deadline right now, gotta jet!