So many things are on my mind I can't choose just one to blog about tonight. So I'll do a list because I'm a lover of lists.

1. Africa and sweet little toes that I got to paint purple while I was there. I was scanning through some instagram photos today when a friends picture just hit me out of no where. It was a sweet little black foot with pink painted toes. It reminded me of the three girls at the drop in center who I still pray and hope for

2. Abortion. A word that makes me squeemish for so many reasons. I hate HATE conflict. I'm a people pleaser. I'm working on it because it's so not healthy. I hate controversy and I don't feel smart enough to debate issues, especially not abortion. All things that I'm submitting to Jesus. I'm asking God to soften my heart and I'm willing to be used by Him in the area. I'm squeemish about it for the obvious reason too. Just the thought of what they are doing to that sweet babe and our country's stand on the topic. Disgusting! However in saying all that, the whole thing, for me anyways, is about love and compassion. Love not only for the baby, but for the mother. It's a big decision and no matter what she thinks there will be emotional healing that needs to happen. And compassion for the mother because we are all broken and need fixed. Where is the root of this mentality that "Women should have a right to their own bodies." I just texted this to a friend and I'll share it with you: "I think we as a society are so busy taking care of our rights, feeling entitled, and not feeling supported that we forget about responsibility. What about our responsibility as a mother to that unborn babe who doesn't have a voice?" I would add something about families, the importance for good ties between us and our parents, and the lack of that in so many these days. I don't know how to word it all yet, so just never mind about that part yet.

3. Big families. I love big families and have always been intrigued by them. I wonder if I'll be the mamma of a big family one day. When I was in Calgary this summer and shared our happpy news of expecting our fourth with some girls I met they were amazed, thought I was crazy, but also had a healthy respect for me. It struck me as odd. I guess I live in a place where it's normal accepted to have more kids than just the one or two. My how different I am than the girl I would have been had the planning been left to me and we had stayed in Calgary all these years. How thankful I am that God has a much much better plan. Back to the subject. Big families (we're talking 6 or more children) seem warm, fun, centered, and so many other things to me. This subject ties into another one on my mind

4. Control. Birth Control. Don't worry I'm not going to get all gross on you here. I'm a control freak and like to plan things. Check this out: Married '04, first child '06, second child '08, third child '10. Mini van, house in cul-de-sac, holidays, craft times, cute hair cut, check. Check. Check. The image is all down pat and good. Right? HA! It drives me crazy when I hear that people think I have it all together, and yet how can I blame them. That's what I've worked so hard for isn't it? Oh God make me humble! I would say to those people that they are SO wrong for thinking I have it all made. God is working on my heart. Breaking down the barriers. It feels SOOOO good to let Him in. To let Jesus wash it all away. Sorry, this is so not about birth control anymore, how did I do that!? See, I should really not be allowed to blog at night! I'll just say that I am finally willing and excited to give God my whole heart and life, even this area of controlling when and how many children we have. It's hard for me to feel emotionally ready to "try again" ( I hate that term. Like Caleb was a fail and we'll just try again), but I know in my head I need to lay it down and let God work. Let go and let God.

I've learned a lot this year. About me and about God. I'm submitting to Him, going to Him, being changed by Him. I'm stoked to meet with Jesus these days, to talk with him and hear from him.

I know God is working in intricate ways in my life in this area of giving up control to Him when it comes to our future children. I shouldn't be fearful that I'll have 10 more kids, drive a "Morman van", never travel, be broke, be judged. SEE! When I write it all out I know it's totally ridiculous and those with big families totally just laughed at me. It's good that they would laugh because they know how silly I'm being too. Of course life isn't always easy when you have many children to love, guide, and care for. But is it all worth it in the end? I hope I can someday answer that truthfully with a: HECK YEAH!